Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
doctor jockes
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.""I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks."Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?""A little more...""Like this?""No. A little more...""Like this?""Yes. Does that hurt?""A little bit.""Now stretch it over your head!"
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?""No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?""No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?""I was in bed.""What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?""Getting a second opinion."
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse."Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday."I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again."You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?""On my balls."
Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!""Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do."Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison.""Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man."Yes, you must do that or he'll die."He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?""You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take awalk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems.""Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
shruthi saravanan
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.""I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks."Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?""A little more...""Like this?""No. A little more...""Like this?""Yes. Does that hurt?""A little bit.""Now stretch it over your head!"
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?""No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?""No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?""I was in bed.""What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?""Getting a second opinion."
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse."Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday."I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again."You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?""On my balls."
Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!""Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do."Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison.""Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man."Yes, you must do that or he'll die."He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?""You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take awalk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems.""Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
shruthi saravanan
8th b
Doctor jokes
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Patient: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Patient: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.""I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks."Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?""A little more...""Like this?""No. A little more...""Like this?""Yes. Does that hurt?""A little bit.""Now stretch it over your head!"
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?""No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?""No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?""I was in bed.""What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?""Getting a second opinion."
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse."Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday."I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again."You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?""On my balls."
Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!""Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do."Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison.""Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man."Yes, you must do that or he'll die."He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?""You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take awalk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems.""Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
shruthi saravanan
8th b
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?""No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?""No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?""I was in bed.""What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?""Getting a second opinion."
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse."Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday."I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again."You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?""On my balls."
Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!""Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do."Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison.""Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man."Yes, you must do that or he'll die."He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?""You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take awalk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems.""Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
shruthi saravanan
8th b
Jokes
Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q. How do you tease fruit?
A. Banananananananana!
Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A. Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
A. Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?
A. Jell-o!
Q. When do you stop at green and go at red?
A. When you're eating a watermelon!
Q. How did the farmer mend his pants?
A. With cabbage patches!
Q. Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?
A. Because it makes you break out!
Q. What do you call artificial spaghetti?
A. Mockaroni!
Q. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school?
A. He has a lot of ketchup time!
Q. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
A. He couldn't concentrate!
Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?
A. Tomato Paste!
Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A. Because his parents were in a jam!
Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A. Patty!
Q. What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A. A deviled egg!
Q. What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A. A turkey!
Q. What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A. A stomach-cake!
Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A. He felt crummy!
Q. When does a cart come before a horse?
A. In the dictionary!
Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A. She couldn't control her pupils!
Q. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A. To win the nobell prize
Q. Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?
A. They wear snow caps.
Q. Why did the balloon burst?
A. Because it saw a lolly pop!
Q. Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book?
A. Because he wasn't very hungry.
Q. How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A. Buccaneer
Q. When is a car not a car?
A. When it turns into a garage.
Q. If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had kids, who would be the biggest of the three?
A. The baby, because he's a little Bigger!
Q. What did the carpet say to the floor?
A. "You go ahead I'll cover you"
Q. Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
A. He wanted to get to the second-hand shop!
Q. What flower grows on your face?
A. Tulips
Q. What is a computer's favorite dance?
A. Disk-o
Q. Why did the little boy put lipstick on his head?
A. He wanted to make up his mind!
Q. What kind of ship never sinks?
A. Friendship!
Q. What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A. Stop going in circles and get to the point!
Q. How do you make a hotdog stand?
A. Steal its chair!
Q. Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night? A. Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!
Q. Why did the computer squeak. A. Because someone stepped on it's mouse
Shruthi Saravanan
8th b
Friday, August 27, 2010
True Friendship
True friendship is a precious gift it is a sincere,tiny seed when planted in a heart it blooms to fill a need.
The kindly words we say the thoughtful art we do are like a perfect bell that rings so clear and true
The love we see in someone's eyes.A pressure of the hands. It charts the sorrow and joy. For friendship understand.
True friendship is more than a word It is a jewel rare To keep and cherish deep within And guard it safely there By, Pavithra.c.a VIII . A .
Dear rose how beautiful you are .with sweet smelling petals.and with bright colours, you ,yourself is the queen of flowers .you impress us a lot. you have a beautiful meaning within you. *rose
*r=ray of sun shine
*o=outstanding beauty
*s=sweet fragrance and finally
*e=elegant.
so no other flower can beat you ,you are like a breath of fresh air.
shruthi saravanan
viii b
*r=ray of sun shine
*o=outstanding beauty
*s=sweet fragrance and finally
*e=elegant.
so no other flower can beat you ,you are like a breath of fresh air.
shruthi saravanan
viii b
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Congrats!!!!
And the winner of the poetry competion are.................................................................................................
Shruthi Sarvanan VIII B (Nature is my future)
Your English Teacher
Analysis of The Middle Ages for 8th std
The Neglected Motherhood
The elegant poem written by the renowned Indian poetess, Kamala Das, speaks of the dismal state of a mother whose love is rejected by her son. She vividly depicts the loneliness and avoidness of the middle aged people. The poetess, develops the poem and picturizes the hard life of middle aged people through the hurted heart of a poor mother whose full fledged intimacy and motherhood are neglected by her son.
In the middle age, the children became critical and unfriendly by using harsh words towards their parents. Here, the mother is very anxious and alert about her son. But being in a self-thrilled fantasy world,the son finds no importance of his mother, unless for serving hot teas and pressing clothes regularly. The same time, the mother wants her child to be beside her in each moment as the life turned her more dependable towards the son. As the time, the son becomes an individual with a self sustaining personality, he starts breaking the affectionate hearts. The mother cannot scold and hug the son freely, instead she herself wraps all her pain within her and weeps secretly by touching the trifiles of the son. The adult ego makes him hating all the amusing plays and funs once made by the mother to enjoy the child. As he grows, he views them all with a deep aversion and a hatred heart. And also the son makes her remember that the time has come all its way to wind up the mother's useless dreams and expectations.
To a woman, motherhood is a part of her feminine self that yearns for love and its fulfilment.But the harsh realities of the adolescent stage splashes it without any hesitation. The poem has a remarkable role in the modern society.
Your English teacher
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Analysis of The Demon Lover for 8th std
In 'The Demon Lover' we hear-tell of a woman (a wife and a mother no less) whose former lover returns to claim her. The conflict concerns a woman who is tempted to forsake husband, child and home, to run away with a man she is infatuated with.
At first she vows to stand by her family but, upon hearing of her former lover's riches she decides to leave her husband and two young children to run off with him. This is a choice she will regret when she discovers that her lover is not quite what he seems - he is the devil in another guise. This disloyal woman pays dearly for her greed.
It was written in the17th century. The scene is set in the sea and concludes in death. The main theme of the poem is Human greed because in the ballad the Demon is tempting the woman. The things she said “and what have you to keep me with.” In addition old language is used e.g. the word “thee” mentioned in the ballad. The poem points accidental mistakes leads to death for example the demon kills the lady in the end.
Almost every verse they have rhyme and a beat to the poem.
The rhythm in the Demon Lover is on an even number of lines, 1 and 2. This could be because all Ballads are meant to be sung and this might be the way they are written like the rule of a ballad. And you can tell that the ballad is meant to be a sung from the way the first paragraph is written. “Where have you been my long lost love these seven long years and more.”
The ballad has four lines in each stanza. Also the language is simpler and easier to understand.
Your English Teacher
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Lord Ullin’s Daughter By Thomas Campbell For IX
This poem depicts how a Scottish chieftain and his beloved elope to run away from her father, Lord Ullin .But as if God was also not on their side, met with a tragic death. They were engulfed by the fury of the stormy sea. Lord Ullin’s and his men chased his daughter and the chieftain on that fateful night. They soon reached the shore and tried to escape on a boat. The boat man was unwilling to row as the weather was dark and stormy. But the lovers persistence made him row. But soon they were caught in the violent storm of the sea and met their death in the lap of the waves. When Lord Ullin reached the shore with his men, his wrath changed to grief. He found his lovely daughter drowning with one hand stretched out for help and the other around her lover. Lord Ullin repented his deeds and wanted to forgive his daughter .But it was too late now his cries went in vain. The stormy sea had already claimed his daughter and her lover.
My Teacher
Teacher,Teacher
You are my preacher
You teach the way of life.
To be good in whole of my life.
Teacher,Teacher,
You are my preacher
You teach the A.B.C of education
To know the good and bad combination.
Teacher you are full of ambition
You are my inspiration
Teacher you are a artisan
You mould us into a good citizen.
Shruthi Sarvanan
VIIIB
Shruthi Sarvanan
VIIIB
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
POEMS
the skies are blue
roses are red
and man is red when angry
anger crushes those who adorn them
happy go lucky keeps anger away
U HRISHIKESH PANDIT 9B
Friday, August 6, 2010
THE TIGER
(BY SUHASHINI)
Tigers are the largest existing members of the cat family, after the liger (only lives in captivity.) Tigers live only in Asia, in which they once roamed all across, from the islands of Java, Bali, Sumatra, to the freezing taigas of Siberia. Tigers are famous for their thick, orange-tawny coats, gleaming amber-gold eyes, black to rich brown stripes, and long, whip-like tail. These cats have the longest canine teeth of any land mammal, sometimes three to four inches long,. Like most cats, with the exception of the cheetah, tigers have retractable claws, keeping them extremely sharp for battle and gripping, having the ability to sheath and unsheathe them when need be. A tiger has an orange-brown coat with stripes, except for the genetic mutated white tigers and golden tabby tigers, now only existing in captivity, with only around 200 white tigers, and only 30 golden tabbies. Tigers, depending on the subspecies and gender, can be from seven feet long to thirteen feet long from nose to tail tip, the tail being sometimes more than four feet long, and anywhere from three hundred to eight hundred pounds, males generally more massive and longer than females (the largest recorded tiger was a male Amur weighing 1025 pounds.) The tail of a tiger is used in communication. A tiger with a held up, wagging tail is happy, a tail at body height wagging means a tiger is excited. When a tiger twitches its tail between its legs-watch your step! Tigers have golden-amber eyes (white ones are either ice-blue, green, and sometimes amber) with a type of third eyelid, and, while color blind, have night vision six times better than a humans, sensitive and acute hearing, and an OK sense of smell. The ears have white bull’s eyes on the back of them, so a mother with cubs can see her cubs, and so the cubs see her. Tigers use their orange-tawny hides and stripes to blend in with their surroundings, as they can run 35 m/p/h, but have quick stamina's.
In 1900, there were over 100,000 tigers in Asia, and nine subspecies. Now, thee are extinct, and there are only 4000-7000 in the wild land.
Amur (Siberian) Tiger-These tigers live in the Russia Far East, with around 450 survivors, these are the largest non mutated living cats on earth, males weighing 800 pounds, and have thick, pale coats to keep them warm.
Caspain Tiger- The second largest tiger, and very aggressive, often used in fights in Ancient Rome, these beautiful creatures became extinct in the 1950’s.
Bengal Tiger- The most numerous tiger in existence, but yet with a small number of 3000-5000, these cats mainly live in India, where they hunt wild deer and boar, or anything else they can lay their paws on. All white tigers in captivity come from a wild caught white Bengal named Mohan.
Indochinese Tiger- With around 1000-2000, these tigers live in southern-east Asia. Little is known about them, as heir lands are mostly restricted to the public.
Malayan Tiger- Discovered in 2004, around 2000 exist.
South China Tiger- These felines were only given protection in 1977, they are almost extinct, maybe even already gone, with an estimated 20-30 in China and only 60 in zoos, all in their birth land. None have been seen in the wild for ten years.
Javan Tiger- Small, highly aggressive tigers, as with the Caspain, used in the Roman era, these tigers went extinct in the 1970’s. Only one known photo exists of a breathing Javan specimen.
Bali Tigers- Little is known about these 150 pound tigers, and were shot by trophy hunters to banishment in the 1930’s. No none photo is known to be around of a living Bali Tiger.
A tiger uses camouflage to hunt, hiding in tall grasses or snow for cover. The main prey of tigers are wild pig, deer, birds, monkeys, wild cattle, peacocks, or anything else they can capture. Cows are sacred in India, and with their population of over 1 million, cattle is often taken down. Tigers hunt by sneaking up on prey, often young, weak, old, or injured, but are capable of taking out the strong. Within fifty feet or closer distance, they’ll start to run, and ambush the prey. With small game, a bite to the throat is used, while larger animals are leapt upon, and bitten at the base of the neck, breaking the spinal cord. Either the rump or internal organs are eaten first, but tigers may sometimes take the prey of smaller leopards, sometimes killing their smaller cousins if they argue against the taking of their kill. A single adult tiger can eat over 100 pounds of meat and one sitting, and when finished its full, will cover the carcass with logs and leaves. They will keep coming back for more for several days until they need a fresh meat supply.
A female tiger is called a tigress, while a baby is called a cub. The females can be told apart from males easily, so long as they aren’t neutered. While not sexually dimorphic, they can be told apart one way as the males are larger, sand only the females raise young. But if you look at the back end of a male, there will be two ball like subjects (testicals) hanging. Tigresses don’t have this.
In general, tigers are solitary. Few cases have ever been reported of them together. Even then, it is almost always only to mate, or when a tigress raises cubs. The male and female will join an mate for a few days, then leave, the male seeking more tigresses to mate with. He will not participate I caring for his children. The pregnancy for tigers is 103 days, and soon the cubs are born. Anywhere from one to five are given life, but often some are born dead and some die shortly afterwards. This usually leaves only one to three. The tigress for the first few weeks, will nurse and sleep with them, leaving only for food and water. But soon she leaves more often. And the cubs set off on their own. They are vulnerable to leopards, snakes, bears, wolves, and civets in the early days. Only 50% survive to the age of a few months, and still 50% of those live only to their second birthday. The tigress mother will teach them how to hunt, and will raise them for up to two years. Then the young will leave, sometimes stay together for a while, and then leave for good, to live off their lives alone.
Tigers are the largest existing members of the cat family, after the liger (only lives in captivity.) Tigers live only in Asia, in which they once roamed all across, from the islands of Java, Bali, Sumatra, to the freezing taigas of Siberia. Tigers are famous for their thick, orange-tawny coats, gleaming amber-gold eyes, black to rich brown stripes, and long, whip-like tail. These cats have the longest canine teeth of any land mammal, sometimes three to four inches long,. Like most cats, with the exception of the cheetah, tigers have retractable claws, keeping them extremely sharp for battle and gripping, having the ability to sheath and unsheathe them when need be. A tiger has an orange-brown coat with stripes, except for the genetic mutated white tigers and golden tabby tigers, now only existing in captivity, with only around 200 white tigers, and only 30 golden tabbies. Tigers, depending on the subspecies and gender, can be from seven feet long to thirteen feet long from nose to tail tip, the tail being sometimes more than four feet long, and anywhere from three hundred to eight hundred pounds, males generally more massive and longer than females (the largest recorded tiger was a male Amur weighing 1025 pounds.) The tail of a tiger is used in communication. A tiger with a held up, wagging tail is happy, a tail at body height wagging means a tiger is excited. When a tiger twitches its tail between its legs-watch your step! Tigers have golden-amber eyes (white ones are either ice-blue, green, and sometimes amber) with a type of third eyelid, and, while color blind, have night vision six times better than a humans, sensitive and acute hearing, and an OK sense of smell. The ears have white bull’s eyes on the back of them, so a mother with cubs can see her cubs, and so the cubs see her. Tigers use their orange-tawny hides and stripes to blend in with their surroundings, as they can run 35 m/p/h, but have quick stamina's.
In 1900, there were over 100,000 tigers in Asia, and nine subspecies. Now, thee are extinct, and there are only 4000-7000 in the wild land.
Amur (Siberian) Tiger-These tigers live in the Russia Far East, with around 450 survivors, these are the largest non mutated living cats on earth, males weighing 800 pounds, and have thick, pale coats to keep them warm.
Caspain Tiger- The second largest tiger, and very aggressive, often used in fights in Ancient Rome, these beautiful creatures became extinct in the 1950’s.
Bengal Tiger- The most numerous tiger in existence, but yet with a small number of 3000-5000, these cats mainly live in India, where they hunt wild deer and boar, or anything else they can lay their paws on. All white tigers in captivity come from a wild caught white Bengal named Mohan.
Indochinese Tiger- With around 1000-2000, these tigers live in southern-east Asia. Little is known about them, as heir lands are mostly restricted to the public.
Malayan Tiger- Discovered in 2004, around 2000 exist.
South China Tiger- These felines were only given protection in 1977, they are almost extinct, maybe even already gone, with an estimated 20-30 in China and only 60 in zoos, all in their birth land. None have been seen in the wild for ten years.
Javan Tiger- Small, highly aggressive tigers, as with the Caspain, used in the Roman era, these tigers went extinct in the 1970’s. Only one known photo exists of a breathing Javan specimen.
Bali Tigers- Little is known about these 150 pound tigers, and were shot by trophy hunters to banishment in the 1930’s. No none photo is known to be around of a living Bali Tiger.
A tiger uses camouflage to hunt, hiding in tall grasses or snow for cover. The main prey of tigers are wild pig, deer, birds, monkeys, wild cattle, peacocks, or anything else they can capture. Cows are sacred in India, and with their population of over 1 million, cattle is often taken down. Tigers hunt by sneaking up on prey, often young, weak, old, or injured, but are capable of taking out the strong. Within fifty feet or closer distance, they’ll start to run, and ambush the prey. With small game, a bite to the throat is used, while larger animals are leapt upon, and bitten at the base of the neck, breaking the spinal cord. Either the rump or internal organs are eaten first, but tigers may sometimes take the prey of smaller leopards, sometimes killing their smaller cousins if they argue against the taking of their kill. A single adult tiger can eat over 100 pounds of meat and one sitting, and when finished its full, will cover the carcass with logs and leaves. They will keep coming back for more for several days until they need a fresh meat supply.
A female tiger is called a tigress, while a baby is called a cub. The females can be told apart from males easily, so long as they aren’t neutered. While not sexually dimorphic, they can be told apart one way as the males are larger, sand only the females raise young. But if you look at the back end of a male, there will be two ball like subjects (testicals) hanging. Tigresses don’t have this.
In general, tigers are solitary. Few cases have ever been reported of them together. Even then, it is almost always only to mate, or when a tigress raises cubs. The male and female will join an mate for a few days, then leave, the male seeking more tigresses to mate with. He will not participate I caring for his children. The pregnancy for tigers is 103 days, and soon the cubs are born. Anywhere from one to five are given life, but often some are born dead and some die shortly afterwards. This usually leaves only one to three. The tigress for the first few weeks, will nurse and sleep with them, leaving only for food and water. But soon she leaves more often. And the cubs set off on their own. They are vulnerable to leopards, snakes, bears, wolves, and civets in the early days. Only 50% survive to the age of a few months, and still 50% of those live only to their second birthday. The tigress mother will teach them how to hunt, and will raise them for up to two years. Then the young will leave, sometimes stay together for a while, and then leave for good, to live off their lives alone.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The modal millionaire analysis for 9th Std
Firstly, this short story emphasizes the materialistic aspects of life. The protagonist of this story Hughie is a misfit in a mercantile world. He is at a loss in the world of bulls and bears. In spite of his charming appearance, he has failed in every attempts to make money. He cannot understand the ways of the world and ends up miserably whenever he tries to be successful materially. His affair with Laura is at a stake as he has failed to raise a fund of ten thousand pounds as demanded by Laura's father who welcomes Hughie as a person but is not ready to accept him as his son-in-law. Hence the second sentence of the story becomes significant:"Romance is the privilege of the rich, not the profession of the unemployed." In the end, had Baron not provided Hughie the money, the latter's marriage with Laura would not have materialized. So, making both ends meet becomes more important than the melody of love. When the stomach burns with hunger, the whole world becomes prosaic and the beautiful full moon looks like a hot flour cake. Every lover and beloved should keep it in mind.
Secondly, one must have the kindness of heart as well. Kindness shown to others pays in the end. There is no doubt that had Hughie not offered the sovereign to Baron, the latter would not have shown his generosity to sponsor the money Hughie required. Tender qualities are not to be totally dispensed with even in a thoroughly materialistic world.
The above to themes are undoubtedly opposed to each other. Many readers object to the very fact that this story has a fairytale quality. There are many chance factors in this story. Hughie accidentally meets the disguised Baron at Trevor's studio. Then he gets the chance to have an intimate exchange of feelings with the latter. Accidentally there is a sovereign in his pocket. Strangely enough the beggar turns out to be a millionaire. But we must not discard the story as based only on chance factors because we know that truth is stranger than fiction. Such chance factors are common in our life too.
However, one question remains in the end: What ultimately wins- the value system that Laura's father believes or the cordial qualities that Hughie possesses? There is no doubt that without ten thousand pounds the marriage would not have taken place. On the other hand, it is also true that Hughie would not have got the prize from Baron had Hughie not shown his kindness to the beggar, the disguised Baron. Wilde is not an extremist. He believes that one must have a solid financial base to build the successful married life. On the other hand, he maintains that while following the ways of the world, one must not discard his cordial qualities completely. We must maintain a steady balance between the two.
Lastly, a rich man must know the proper ways to expend his wealth. Monetary gains do not salve one's soul unless he expends that money to help others. By helping Hughie to marry Laura, Baron exemplifies the ideal way to spend money. That is why he raises himself to the status of a model millionaire from the status of a millionaire model.Your English Teacher
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
JULIUS CEASAR
Gaius Julius Cæsar/Caesar[2] (Classical Latin: [ˈɡaːjjʊs juːliʊs ˈkajsar]; English: /ˈɡaɪ.əs ˈdʒuːli.əs ˈsiːzər/; 13 July 100 BC[3] – 15 March 44 BC)[4] was a Roman military and political leader. He played a critical role in the transformation of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire.
As a politician, Caesar made use of popularist tactics. During the late 60s and into the 50s BC, he formed political alliances that led to the so-called First Triumvirate, an extra-legal arrangement with Marcus Licinius Crassus and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus (Pompey the Great) that was to dominate Roman politics for several years. Their factional attempts to amass power for themselves were opposed within the Roman Senate by the optimates, among them Marcus Porcius Cato and Marcus Calpurnius Bibulus, with the sometime support of Marcus Tullius Cicero. Caesar's conquest of Gaul extended the Roman world to the North Sea, and in 55 BC he also conducted the first Roman invasion of Britain. These achievements granted him unmatched military power and threatened to eclipse Pompey's, while the death of Crassus contributed to increasing political tensions between the two triumviral survivors. Political realignments in Rome finally led to a stand-off between Caesar and Pompey, the latter having taken up the cause of the Senate. With the order that sent his legions across the Rubicon, Caesar began a civil war in 49 BC from which he emerged as the unrivaled leader of the Roman world.
After assuming control of government, he began extensive reforms of Roman society and government. He centralised the bureaucracy of the Republic and was eventually proclaimed "dictator in perpetuity" (dictator perpetuo). A group of senators, led by Marcus Junius Brutus, assassinated the dictator on the Ides of March (15 March) 44 BC, hoping to restore the normal running of the Republic. However, the result was a series of civil wars, which ultimately led to the establishment of the permanent Roman Empire by Caesar's adopted heir Octavius (later known as Augustus).
Much of Caesar's life is known from his own Commentaries (Commentarii) on his military campaigns, and other contemporary sources such as the letters and speeches of his political rival Cicero, the historical writings of Sallust, and the poetry of Catullus. Many more details of his life are recorded by later historians, such as Appian, Suetonius, Plutarch, Cassius Dio and Strabo
assasination
On the Ides of March (15 March; see Roman calendar) of 44 BC, Caesar was due to appear at a session of the Senate. Mark Antony, having vaguely learned of the plot the night before from a terrified Liberator named Servilius Casca, and fearing the worst, went to head Caesar off. The plotters, however, had anticipated this and, fearing that Antony would come to Caesar's aid, had arranged for Trebonius to intercept him just as he approached the portico of Theatre of Pompey, where the session was to be held, and detain him outside. (Plutarch, however, assigns this action to delay Antony to Brutus Albinus.) When he heard the commotion from the senate chamber, Antony fled.[98]
According to Plutarch, as Caesar arrived at the Senate Tillius Cimber presented him with a petition to recall his exiled brother.[99] The other conspirators crowded round to offer support. Both Plutarch and Suetonius say that Caesar waved him away, but Cimber grabbed his shoulders and pulled down Caesar's tunic. Caesar then cried to Cimber, "Why, this is violence!" ("Ista quidem vis est!").[100] At the same time, Casca produced his dagger and made a glancing thrust at the dictator's neck. Caesar turned around quickly and caught Casca by the arm. According to Plutarch, he said in Latin, "Casca, you villain, what are you doing?"[101] Casca, frightened, shouted "Help, brother!" in Greek ("ἀδελφέ, βοήθει!", "adelphe, boethei!"). Within moments, the entire group, including Brutus, was striking out at the dictator. Caesar attempted to get away, but, blinded by blood, he tripped and fell; the men continued stabbing him as he lay defenceless on the lower steps of the portico. According to Eutropius, around sixty or more men participated in the assassination. He was stabbed 23 times.[102] According to Suetonius, a physician later established that only one wound, the second one to his chest, had been lethal.[103]
The dictator's last words are not known with certainty, and are a contested subject among scholars and historians alike. Suetonius reports that others have said Caesar's last words were the Greek phrase "καὶ σύ, τέκνον;"[104] (transliterated as "Kai su, teknon?": "You too, child?" in English). However, Suetonius himself says Caesar said nothing.[100] Plutarch also reports that Caesar said nothing, pulling his toga over his head when he saw Brutus among the conspirators.[105] The version best known in the English-speaking world is the Latin phrase "Et tu, Brute?" ("And you, Brutus?", commonly rendered as "You too, Brutus?");[106][107] this derives from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, where it actually forms the first half of a macaronic line: "Et tu, Brute? Then fall, Caesar." It has no basis in historical fact and Shakespeare's use of Latin here is not from any assertion that Caesar would have been using the language, rather than the Greek reported by Suetonius, but because the phrase was already popular at the time the play was written.[108]
According to Plutarch, after the assassination, Brutus stepped forward as if to say something to his fellow senators; they, however, fled the building.[109] Brutus and his companions then marched to the Capitol while crying out to their beloved city: "People of Rome, we are once again free!". They were met with silence, as the citizens of Rome had locked themselves inside their houses as soon as the rumour of what had taken place had begun to spread.
A wax statue of Caesar was erected in the forum displaying the 23 stab wounds. A crowd who had amassed there started a fire, which badly damaged the forum and neighbouring buildings. In the ensuing chaos Mark Antony, Octavian (later Augustus Caesar), and others fought a series of five civil wars, which would end in the formation of the Roman Empire.
Aftermath of the assasination
The result unforeseen by the assassins was that Caesar's death precipitated the end of the Roman Republic.[110] The Roman middle and lower classes, with whom Caesar was immensely popular and had been since before Gaul, became enraged that a small group of high-browed aristocrats had killed their champion. Antony, who had been drifting apart from Caesar, capitalised on the grief of the Roman mob and threatened to unleash them on the Optimates, perhaps with the intent of taking control of Rome himself. But, to his surprise and chagrin, Caesar had named his grandnephew Gaius Octavian his sole heir, bequeathing him the immensely potent Caesar name as well as making him one of the wealthiest citizens in the Republic.[111] The crowd at the funeral boiled over, throwing dry branches, furniture and even clothing on to Caesar's funeral pyre, causing the flames to spin out of control, seriously damaging the Forum. The mob then attacked the houses of Brutus and Cassius, where they were repelled only with considerable difficulty, ultimately providing the spark for the Liberators' civil war, fulfilling at least in part Antony's threat against the aristocrats.[112] However, Antony did not foresee the ultimate outcome of the next series of civil wars, particularly with regard to Caesar's adopted heir. Octavian, aged only 18 at the time of Caesar's death, proved to have considerable political skills, and while Antony dealt with Decimus Brutus in the first round of the new civil wars, Octavian consolidated his tenuous position.
In order to combat Brutus and Cassius, who were massing an enormous army in Greece, Antony needed soldiers, the cash from Caesar's war chests, and the legitimacy that Caesar's name would provide for any action he took against them. With the passage of the lex Titia on 27 November 43 BC,[113] the Second Triumvirate was officially formed, composed of Antony, Octavian, and Caesar's loyal cavalry commander Lepidus.[114] It formally deified Caesar as Divus Iulius in 42 BC, and Caesar Octavian henceforth became Divi filius ("Son of a god").[115] Seeing that Caesar's clemency had resulted in his murder, the Second Triumvirate brought back the practice of proscription, abandoned since Sulla.[116] It engaged in the legally sanctioned murder of a large number of its opponents in order to secure funding for its forty-five legions in the second civil war against Brutus and Cassius.[117] Antony and Octavius defeated them at Philippi.[118]
Afterward, Mark Antony married Caesar's lover, Cleopatra, intending to use the fabulously wealthy Egypt as a base to dominate Rome. A third civil war broke out between Octavian on one hand and Antony and Cleopatra on the other. This final civil war, culminating in the latter's defeat at Actium, resulted in the permanent ascendancy of Octavian, who became the first Roman emperor, under the name Caesar Augustus, a name that raised him to status of a deity.[119]
Julius Caesar had been preparing to invade Parthia, the Caucasus and Scythia, and then swing back onto Germania through Eastern Europe. These plans were thwarted by his assassination.[120] His successors did attempt the conquests of Parthia and Germania, but without lasting results
BY
ADITYA SURANA
VIII A
As a politician, Caesar made use of popularist tactics. During the late 60s and into the 50s BC, he formed political alliances that led to the so-called First Triumvirate, an extra-legal arrangement with Marcus Licinius Crassus and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus (Pompey the Great) that was to dominate Roman politics for several years. Their factional attempts to amass power for themselves were opposed within the Roman Senate by the optimates, among them Marcus Porcius Cato and Marcus Calpurnius Bibulus, with the sometime support of Marcus Tullius Cicero. Caesar's conquest of Gaul extended the Roman world to the North Sea, and in 55 BC he also conducted the first Roman invasion of Britain. These achievements granted him unmatched military power and threatened to eclipse Pompey's, while the death of Crassus contributed to increasing political tensions between the two triumviral survivors. Political realignments in Rome finally led to a stand-off between Caesar and Pompey, the latter having taken up the cause of the Senate. With the order that sent his legions across the Rubicon, Caesar began a civil war in 49 BC from which he emerged as the unrivaled leader of the Roman world.
After assuming control of government, he began extensive reforms of Roman society and government. He centralised the bureaucracy of the Republic and was eventually proclaimed "dictator in perpetuity" (dictator perpetuo). A group of senators, led by Marcus Junius Brutus, assassinated the dictator on the Ides of March (15 March) 44 BC, hoping to restore the normal running of the Republic. However, the result was a series of civil wars, which ultimately led to the establishment of the permanent Roman Empire by Caesar's adopted heir Octavius (later known as Augustus).
Much of Caesar's life is known from his own Commentaries (Commentarii) on his military campaigns, and other contemporary sources such as the letters and speeches of his political rival Cicero, the historical writings of Sallust, and the poetry of Catullus. Many more details of his life are recorded by later historians, such as Appian, Suetonius, Plutarch, Cassius Dio and Strabo
assasination
On the Ides of March (15 March; see Roman calendar) of 44 BC, Caesar was due to appear at a session of the Senate. Mark Antony, having vaguely learned of the plot the night before from a terrified Liberator named Servilius Casca, and fearing the worst, went to head Caesar off. The plotters, however, had anticipated this and, fearing that Antony would come to Caesar's aid, had arranged for Trebonius to intercept him just as he approached the portico of Theatre of Pompey, where the session was to be held, and detain him outside. (Plutarch, however, assigns this action to delay Antony to Brutus Albinus.) When he heard the commotion from the senate chamber, Antony fled.[98]
According to Plutarch, as Caesar arrived at the Senate Tillius Cimber presented him with a petition to recall his exiled brother.[99] The other conspirators crowded round to offer support. Both Plutarch and Suetonius say that Caesar waved him away, but Cimber grabbed his shoulders and pulled down Caesar's tunic. Caesar then cried to Cimber, "Why, this is violence!" ("Ista quidem vis est!").[100] At the same time, Casca produced his dagger and made a glancing thrust at the dictator's neck. Caesar turned around quickly and caught Casca by the arm. According to Plutarch, he said in Latin, "Casca, you villain, what are you doing?"[101] Casca, frightened, shouted "Help, brother!" in Greek ("ἀδελφέ, βοήθει!", "adelphe, boethei!"). Within moments, the entire group, including Brutus, was striking out at the dictator. Caesar attempted to get away, but, blinded by blood, he tripped and fell; the men continued stabbing him as he lay defenceless on the lower steps of the portico. According to Eutropius, around sixty or more men participated in the assassination. He was stabbed 23 times.[102] According to Suetonius, a physician later established that only one wound, the second one to his chest, had been lethal.[103]
The dictator's last words are not known with certainty, and are a contested subject among scholars and historians alike. Suetonius reports that others have said Caesar's last words were the Greek phrase "καὶ σύ, τέκνον;"[104] (transliterated as "Kai su, teknon?": "You too, child?" in English). However, Suetonius himself says Caesar said nothing.[100] Plutarch also reports that Caesar said nothing, pulling his toga over his head when he saw Brutus among the conspirators.[105] The version best known in the English-speaking world is the Latin phrase "Et tu, Brute?" ("And you, Brutus?", commonly rendered as "You too, Brutus?");[106][107] this derives from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, where it actually forms the first half of a macaronic line: "Et tu, Brute? Then fall, Caesar." It has no basis in historical fact and Shakespeare's use of Latin here is not from any assertion that Caesar would have been using the language, rather than the Greek reported by Suetonius, but because the phrase was already popular at the time the play was written.[108]
According to Plutarch, after the assassination, Brutus stepped forward as if to say something to his fellow senators; they, however, fled the building.[109] Brutus and his companions then marched to the Capitol while crying out to their beloved city: "People of Rome, we are once again free!". They were met with silence, as the citizens of Rome had locked themselves inside their houses as soon as the rumour of what had taken place had begun to spread.
A wax statue of Caesar was erected in the forum displaying the 23 stab wounds. A crowd who had amassed there started a fire, which badly damaged the forum and neighbouring buildings. In the ensuing chaos Mark Antony, Octavian (later Augustus Caesar), and others fought a series of five civil wars, which would end in the formation of the Roman Empire.
Aftermath of the assasination
The result unforeseen by the assassins was that Caesar's death precipitated the end of the Roman Republic.[110] The Roman middle and lower classes, with whom Caesar was immensely popular and had been since before Gaul, became enraged that a small group of high-browed aristocrats had killed their champion. Antony, who had been drifting apart from Caesar, capitalised on the grief of the Roman mob and threatened to unleash them on the Optimates, perhaps with the intent of taking control of Rome himself. But, to his surprise and chagrin, Caesar had named his grandnephew Gaius Octavian his sole heir, bequeathing him the immensely potent Caesar name as well as making him one of the wealthiest citizens in the Republic.[111] The crowd at the funeral boiled over, throwing dry branches, furniture and even clothing on to Caesar's funeral pyre, causing the flames to spin out of control, seriously damaging the Forum. The mob then attacked the houses of Brutus and Cassius, where they were repelled only with considerable difficulty, ultimately providing the spark for the Liberators' civil war, fulfilling at least in part Antony's threat against the aristocrats.[112] However, Antony did not foresee the ultimate outcome of the next series of civil wars, particularly with regard to Caesar's adopted heir. Octavian, aged only 18 at the time of Caesar's death, proved to have considerable political skills, and while Antony dealt with Decimus Brutus in the first round of the new civil wars, Octavian consolidated his tenuous position.
In order to combat Brutus and Cassius, who were massing an enormous army in Greece, Antony needed soldiers, the cash from Caesar's war chests, and the legitimacy that Caesar's name would provide for any action he took against them. With the passage of the lex Titia on 27 November 43 BC,[113] the Second Triumvirate was officially formed, composed of Antony, Octavian, and Caesar's loyal cavalry commander Lepidus.[114] It formally deified Caesar as Divus Iulius in 42 BC, and Caesar Octavian henceforth became Divi filius ("Son of a god").[115] Seeing that Caesar's clemency had resulted in his murder, the Second Triumvirate brought back the practice of proscription, abandoned since Sulla.[116] It engaged in the legally sanctioned murder of a large number of its opponents in order to secure funding for its forty-five legions in the second civil war against Brutus and Cassius.[117] Antony and Octavius defeated them at Philippi.[118]
Afterward, Mark Antony married Caesar's lover, Cleopatra, intending to use the fabulously wealthy Egypt as a base to dominate Rome. A third civil war broke out between Octavian on one hand and Antony and Cleopatra on the other. This final civil war, culminating in the latter's defeat at Actium, resulted in the permanent ascendancy of Octavian, who became the first Roman emperor, under the name Caesar Augustus, a name that raised him to status of a deity.[119]
Julius Caesar had been preparing to invade Parthia, the Caucasus and Scythia, and then swing back onto Germania through Eastern Europe. These plans were thwarted by his assassination.[120] His successors did attempt the conquests of Parthia and Germania, but without lasting results
BY
ADITYA SURANA
VIII A
Amazing Facts Of India (by SUHASHINI)
India is the world's largest, oldest, continuous civilization.
India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.
India is the world's largest democracy.
Varanasi, also known as Benares, was called "the ancient city" when Lord Buddha visited it in 500 B.C.E, and is the oldest, continuously inhabited city in the world today.
India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.
The World's first university was established in Takshashila in 700BC. More than 10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century BC was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.
Sanskrit is the mother of all the European languages. Sanskrit is the most suitable language for computer software - a report in Forbes magazine, July 1987.
Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to humans. Charaka, the father of medicine consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago. Today Ayurveda is fast regaining its rightful place in our civilization.
Although modern images of India often show poverty and lack of development, India was the richest country on earth until the time of British invasion in the early 17th Century. Christopher Columbus was attracted by India's wealth.
The art of Navigation was bornin the river Sindhu 6000 years ago. The very word Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH. The word navy is also derived from Sanskrit 'Nou'.
Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. Time taken by earth to orbit the sun: (5th century) 365.258756484 days.
The value of pi was first calculated by Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century long before the European mathematicians.
Algebra, trigonometry and calculus came from India. Quadratic equations were by Sridharacharya in the 11th century. The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 10**53(10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 BCE during the Vedic period. Even today, the largest used number is Tera 10**12(10 to the power of 12).
IEEE has proved what has been a century old suspicion in the world scientific community that the pioneer of wireless communication was Prof. Jagdish Bose and not Marconi.
The earliest reservoir and dam for irrigation was built in Saurashtra.
According to Saka King Rudradaman I of 150 CE a beautiful lake called Sudarshana was constructed on the hills of Raivataka during Chandragupta Maurya's time.
Chess (Shataranja or AshtaPada) was invented in India.
Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600 years ago he and health scientists of his time conducted complicated surgeries like cesareans, cataract, artificial limbs, fractures, urinary stones and even plastic surgery and brain surgery. Usage of anesthesia was well known in ancient India. Over 125 surgical equipment were used. Deep knowledge of anatomy, physiology, etiology, embryology, digestion, metabolism, genetics and immunity is also found in many texts.
When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu Valley (Indus Valley Civilization).
The four religions born in India, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism, are followed by 25% of the world's population.
The place value system, the decimal system was developed in India in 100 BC.
India is one of the few countries in the World, which gained independence without violence.
India has the second largest pool of Scientists and Engineers in the World.
India is the largest English speaking nation in the world.
India is the only country other than US and Japan, to have built a super computer indigenously
India is the world's largest, oldest, continuous civilization.
India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.
India is the world's largest democracy.
Varanasi, also known as Benares, was called "the ancient city" when Lord Buddha visited it in 500 B.C.E, and is the oldest, continuously inhabited city in the world today.
India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.
The World's first university was established in Takshashila in 700BC. More than 10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century BC was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.
Sanskrit is the mother of all the European languages. Sanskrit is the most suitable language for computer software - a report in Forbes magazine, July 1987.
Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to humans. Charaka, the father of medicine consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago. Today Ayurveda is fast regaining its rightful place in our civilization.
Although modern images of India often show poverty and lack of development, India was the richest country on earth until the time of British invasion in the early 17th Century. Christopher Columbus was attracted by India's wealth.
The art of Navigation was bornin the river Sindhu 6000 years ago. The very word Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH. The word navy is also derived from Sanskrit 'Nou'.
Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. Time taken by earth to orbit the sun: (5th century) 365.258756484 days.
The value of pi was first calculated by Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century long before the European mathematicians.
Algebra, trigonometry and calculus came from India. Quadratic equations were by Sridharacharya in the 11th century. The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 10**53(10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 BCE during the Vedic period. Even today, the largest used number is Tera 10**12(10 to the power of 12).
IEEE has proved what has been a century old suspicion in the world scientific community that the pioneer of wireless communication was Prof. Jagdish Bose and not Marconi.
The earliest reservoir and dam for irrigation was built in Saurashtra.
According to Saka King Rudradaman I of 150 CE a beautiful lake called Sudarshana was constructed on the hills of Raivataka during Chandragupta Maurya's time.
Chess (Shataranja or AshtaPada) was invented in India.
Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600 years ago he and health scientists of his time conducted complicated surgeries like cesareans, cataract, artificial limbs, fractures, urinary stones and even plastic surgery and brain surgery. Usage of anesthesia was well known in ancient India. Over 125 surgical equipment were used. Deep knowledge of anatomy, physiology, etiology, embryology, digestion, metabolism, genetics and immunity is also found in many texts.
When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu Valley (Indus Valley Civilization).
The four religions born in India, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism, are followed by 25% of the world's population.
The place value system, the decimal system was developed in India in 100 BC.
India is one of the few countries in the World, which gained independence without violence.
India has the second largest pool of Scientists and Engineers in the World.
India is the largest English speaking nation in the world.
India is the only country other than US and Japan, to have built a super computer indigenously
Monday, August 2, 2010
And the blogger of the month July is.......................
Rashmitha V 9th B
Congratulations!!!!
Your English Teacher
PS
I am receiving quite a number of poetry submissions from you all. This gives me an idea of conducting a poetry competition. You can write in any topic. It should be your original work. If not you will be disqualified. You could be the winner! So poets start churning out poetry!
Last date of submission will be Aug 15
Congratulations!!!!
Your English Teacher
PS
I am receiving quite a number of poetry submissions from you all. This gives me an idea of conducting a poetry competition. You can write in any topic. It should be your original work. If not you will be disqualified. You could be the winner! So poets start churning out poetry!
Last date of submission will be Aug 15
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